I think I am halfway there. I have determined that I can't do anything for the laptop without losing any files I have on it. There are a few that it would be nice not to have to reconstruct and a few that would be impossible to reconstruct, so I will be enlisting the assistance of one of the family techies. Unfortunately, they all live at least three hours away, so that may be a while.
For the desktop, I bought a gadget that will allow me to access my modem through the USB port. Now all I have to do is figure out how to make it work.
And I have such lovely BBBBBBBBBBBBBs for ABC Wednesday, too. Well, maybe tomorrow.